Constant Debate

I’ve had some slight chest pains off and on for the past couple of hours, so I figured this would be the perfect time to blog about my next topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for a while now; Is this anxiety or is this another heart episode?

I know that I’ve said this before and it’s not easy to admit, but years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, specifically, panic disorder. I have been on medications and I’m doing really well. I used to have daily anxiety attacks and they were horrible. Now, I can’t remember the last time I actually had one. Basically, panic disorder is just having intense feelings of constant fear and worry. This all can lead to a panic attack, which include symptoms of sweating, chest pain, palpitations, dizziness, and hyperventilation. The combination of all of this can cause someone to pass out or even think one is having a heart attack.

Prior to being diagnosed, I would have episodes and the ambulance would be called. I think this happened three or four times. Finally after seeing a doctor, I was diagnosed and was put on medication. I was ashamed and embarrassed of this disorder at first. However, over the years, I’ve learned that I’ve been through a lot to cause this disorder and that it’s okay. I’m human and everyone has problems. Actually, I’m glad that I realized something was going on and I reached out for help. It was just another step in making me a much stronger person.

The day of my heart attack, I had all of the symptoms of a panic attack. Needless to say, that is why I was so hesitate to go to the hospital. I thought for sure it was just another panic attack. However, normally with panic attacks, if you just make yourself calm down and take some deep breaths, it will get better. This wasn’t the case for me on that day. I had other symptoms; my arm and neck were going numb. I knew something more serious was going on.

After I had my heart attack, I had and still have constant fear that I will have another heart attack. I mean I had one at the age of 25 and I was overall relatively healthy. I’ve already had one, I can surely have another. All of this fear lead up to more anxiety, which only caused more panic attacks. I remember days after I was released from the hospital, I had several panic attacks a day and I struggled with it. I would literally make myself believe that I was having another heart attack, because I had such intense chest pains.

Now, the problem was how do I tell if it’s a panic attack or am I having a heart issue? Well, that’s where the magic pill, also known as nitro, comes into play. If I’m ever having chest pains, I will stop whatever I’m doing and take some deep breaths, if the pain continues, I will take a nitro. The rule is that if you take more than 3 nitro (take them 5 minutes apart), you need to get to the ER right away. If the nitro does its job and I feel better, then it’s most likely anxiety related, if it’s not working, then its heart related. I’m a strong believer of this because when I had my heart attack, they EMTs were giving me nitro and nothing was working at all, I was getting no relief. Due to the blockage in my coronary artery, I wasn’t getting relief. The only thing that cleared the blockage was a procedure that was done during my heart catheterization. The doctor simply pushed some medicine through the artery and it cleared up right away.

I’m not going to lie; I’m scared to death whenever I feel the slightest chest pains. All of my heart attack memories come rushing to my mind. Honestly, one of the first things I start do is panic. But as I just discussed, panic attacks can have the exact same symptoms of a heart attack. So it isn’t going to do me any good to freak out. I have to force myself to calm down and refer to my ‘game plan’, which was helped put together by my doctor. If I’m not feeling better after a few minutes, I take a nitro. If it goes away, praise the lord, if it doesn’t, take another. Again, I’m allowed to take three until it’s time to get to the ER.

Even though I have a “game plan” I still question myself, and that is what I’m currently working on now. I’ve got mixed emotions of having chest pains and going to the ER. I do not want to be the patient that goes to the ER with every slightest pain; I guess you could say I don’t want to be the person who cries wolf all the time. On the other side of that, I’m afraid that the one time I don’t go to the ER, is going to be the time that I do have another heart attack. The only way I know how to solve this problem and ease my mind a bit is to talk to my cardiologist about my current game plan. I’m about 80 % sure that it’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but getting his advice would certainly make things better. I also believe that with time, it’ll get easier to distinguish the difference between it as well.

I want to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving! I’m so very blessed to such a supportive family and amazing friends. Without you all, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Thank you all for giving me the strength to continue to push myself to tell my story, even the parts that I’m afraid to admit. The words of encouragement allow me to continue my drive to hopefully help others. Even if I can help 1 person, my goal will be achieved. I ask that you all please do me a favor today, give your loved ones a hug and tell them how important they are to you, because you never know what will happen tomorrow. Love you all.

BTW, the chest pains that I've had at the beginning of this post, I no longer have. I think I just had anxiety for black Friday shopping, I've got to keep up with my sisters and mom, I'm in for a challenge! :)

Reflections

I sincerely apologize to anyone that has been following my blog, I have been terrible about updating it. A lot has happened over the past several months, so I have a lot to share. This post will most likely be a long one, happy reading!

August: Relaxation & 100 days celebration

I was able to take a week of vacation and went back to St. Marys for our annual town festival. I was looking forward to this for a long time! Every year, the friends that I graduated with from high school get together and play in a softball tournament against other teams. This is by far my favorite time of the summer; it’s so much fun catching up with old friends! I was even more excited for this year’s summerfest because it was a time to celebrate with Andy, (fellow heart attack friend). We were celebrating Andy’s 100th day since his heart attack! It was time to realize and be proud of what we both had been through. I know I’ve said this before but no one can truly understand what it’s like unless you’ve had a heart attack. Again, I’m being selfish, but I am glad that Andy is able to go on this journey with me. He has been such a wonderful friend and certainly a blessing.  During that weekend, I did have an episode with chest pains, I had to take a nitro and sit out a couple of the games. I was frustrated and mad but had to make myself realize that I hadn’t picked up a softball bat in over two years and my body just wasn’t used to it. Although I didn’t get to play as much as I wanted to, I was just happy to be there with all of my awesome friends. Andy, on the other hand, was a champ that weekend. He was our star pitcher and you would never have known he had a heart attack.  I’m not going to lie; it was a little emotional watching him!  I of course, had to snap some pictures!



Andy pitching during one of our games.



September-October: Not so fast

Overall, I’ve been pretty healthy, heart wise, over the past several months. I did have another episode in September, but thankfully, I was okay. I’ve been doing zumba for awhile now, it’s an exercise that I find very enjoyable and it’s a wonderful workout. Well during a Thursday night class, I had a new instructor and she was pretty intense. The YMCA changes the schedule every 8-9 weeks, so there are chances that there could be a new instructor. Well, during the middle of the class, I started not feeling good.  The next thing I found myself passed out on the floor. I ended up getting my heart rate too high and my heart just wasn’t ready to handle such an intense workout. I had felt fine after a few minutes and didn’t even need to take a nitro! (big plus). I knew that I had just pushed myself past my limit. Needless to say, this was a good reminder that although I think I may be ready for a more intense workout, my heart is just not up to it yet.

November- Fear & Emotions

Heading into the month of November, I knew that it would be hard, but I didn’t think it would be nearly has hard as it was. I had my heart attack on November 8, 2011, so my one year anniversary was two weeks ago.  Let me tell you something, it was not easy. I was full of emotions (good & bad), flashbacks, and lots of fear and anxiety. The days leading up to the big 1 year were not fun at all. Thankfully, I’ve been seeing my psychologist for awhile and she prepared me with some ways to cope with it. Some of you might be thinking why is Kristy seeing a psychologist? Well, it’s one of the best decisions that I could have ever made and I’m neither ashamed nor embarrassed about it. I had a really rough time after, and still, have a hard time of understanding why I had a heart attack. I’m not going to lie, I’m mad as hell that I had one and that the doctors cannot tell me why I had one. That’s one question that I always want an answer to, but unfortunately, I will never know. I also have a huge fear that I will have another one. Talking to a psychologist really helps me get my feelings out without having the constant fear of being judged on what I’m thinking. If you know me, one thing that you already know is that I’m a very stubborn person (thanks dad and gma katt!) and I hate to bother others with my problems. I will always rely on my parents and sisters for support and can talk to them, but I don’t want to put a burden on them. I know that’s what families are for, and I’m really trying to be able to get over that, but for now, a psychologist is the best person to turn to. She has been simply amazing over the past few months and she sure does pull a lot out of me, but it’s making me realize that I am a stronger person then what I give myself credit for. The meetings are long and emotional but they are really helping. With that being said, I suggested to anyone who has issues with anything and just needs to talk to someone, seek out the help of a counselor! Don’t be ashamed of it, everyone has problems and fears.

November 8, 2012- The big day

So the big one year anniversary came, that day was filled with tears, anger, but also lots of laughter. I really leaned on my family and friends that day, and thank the lord for that. I’m pretty sure I called my mom and dad a couple of times that day, and the day before and after, and just cried on the phone. And you know what they did? They just listened and that is exactly what I needed. But again, I think the hero of that day for me was Andy. God bless him for putting up with my numerous txt messages, which ranged from anger to laughter. I turned to him the most because I knew he would understand EXACTLY what I was feeling and I wasn’t fighting the battle alone. He had turned that day that was filled with tears of sadness and anger into tears of joy and laughter! I saved those text messages from that day because I know that I can go to look at them when I need to laugh. One of my favorite text messages stated, “Best thing about having heart issues, we are told to have red wine, red wine makes me feel so fine.” He turned a negative into a positive, and who doesn’t love some wine J Oh another part of the conversations that day (some were on facebook) was we were arguing  that I may have been the youngest heart attack survivor that many people know, but was I, or Andy, the cutest?! It was the little comments like that which helped cheer me up and realize that I’d survived a year of emotions and I knew I’d be alright. Andy, I know that you are most likely reading this, and I’ve said this over and over, but I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me when I needed it. You’ve been my hero and I’ll always be thankful for you. I hope that on your one year anniversary that I can help you out as much as you helped me.

MY Celebration

I wanted to give myself some kind of “celebration” for my one year, a little reward to myself for making it through a year of ups and downs. I decided to splurge on something that I hadn’t had in a long time, I decided to stop by the Cheesecake Factory and pick up a slice of the Oreo cake, and was it delicious! I think this may just to become a tradition for me; a treat that I can always look forward to year after year.

My celebration-- Oreo cheesecake!

                                              

December: Anticipation, Hope, & Courage

I have a big day coming up; I have my yearly checkup on Monday, December 3. Again, I’m scared to death but also anxious at the same time. I’m sure that I’m going to have numerous tests done. I’m anxious to see if my heart is continuing to heal and hopeful that some of my medications will be dismissed. But I’m also scared that something will be wrong. (Yes, I’m just most likely making myself scared over nothing, but that’s the fear that comes along with having a heart attack). So, I ask you all to say a prayer for me that day that I will have good news. I will keep you all updated.

I’m sorry that this post is so long, but I wanted to give an update on what’s been going on over the past few months. There is a topic that I haven’t discussed, which is anxiety Vs. chest pains. That’s consumed a lot of my life lately as well, that will be talked about on my next post.

I am STRONG!

Wow! I cannot believe it’s already August 1. Where has this summer gone? I’m so beyond that the month of July is over! It was one very long and stressful month to say the least; school and work consumed my life; the reason why I haven’t blogged much lately. I finished up my second class of graduate school and so grateful to be done with the risk analysis course! It was a great course but pretty intense. I’m excited for the month of August and welcomed it with arms wide-open. I’ve have vacation, bridal shower, bachelorette party, and a wedding this month. Very busy but all fun! J

As I was getting ready for work today, I caught myself looking in the mirror and asking myself, “Who is this girl”?  Yes, I know this is a weird question to ask myself, but it sure did make me smile. At that moment, I had a flashback on everything that has happened to me. I thought to myself, damn, I’ve been through a whole lot of crap for being only 25 years old. But, I’ve been able to push myself to get through everything and I sure have become a much stronger person. Honestly, I think this moment was the first time that I realized I am a strong person. I’ve had many people tell me that I was, but this was the first time I actually believed it; it felt amazing.

I know that I’ve said this before and I’m actually still amazed that I can say it again; the hardest moments of my life are now becoming my strongest and rewarding moments. I say this because the heart attack has certainly changed me for the better. I have a totally new outlook on life and I’m becoming a much happier and healthier person.

 Prior to the heart attack, I ate whatever I wanted, I didn’t exercise a whole lot, and I didn’t care to just sit around on my days off. That has totally changed. I joined the YMCA about 2 months ago, and I’ve been trying to go 2-3 times a week. It has been harder with the month of July, but I found time to go. I’ve fell in love with Zumba! I mean who doesn’t like to shake their booty and get a good workout at the same time? I may look like a fool when I’m doing it, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Plus, I’m learning some new dance moves and meeting some great people. My diet has changed significantly, I still to this day, have not added salt to my food. This is HUGE for me because I used to put salt on EVERYTHING. I’ve also noticed myself not really caring for fried food much. Wow. I cannot believe I just said that, but it’s true. I used to be a huge fan of chicken fingers and french fries, and now, I can’t recall the last time I had chicken fingers. I have had fries lately, but I haven’t been eating very many of them, they just don’t taste as good as they used to, I suppose it’s because that I don’t need all of that salt! I also eat a whole lot more veggies and fruit. Changing my diet and exercising has been very rewarding, not only for making my heart healthy, but also my weight loss! My weight continues to decrease and I’m fitting into clothes that I haven’t been able to wear for years. It feels fantastic! I’ve dropped 4 dress sizes in just one year – just with my change in diet and exercise.

One of the biggest improvements that I’ve seen in myself and my family has actually told me as well, I’m a much happier person. I think this is because I’ve got a new attitude on life. I don’t want to waste a single day of my life, I want to enjoy every moment of it. Yes, I do have bad days, but everyone does. Also, I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Before my heart attack, I wouldn’t mind spending my days off of work sitting on the couch watching movies all day, but that has changed as well. Now, on my days off I always want to do something, even if it’s just walking around at the mall or laying out by the pool. I don’t like the idea of wasting away a day on the couch. Now, I’m not going to say there won’t be days where I just crash all day on my couch watching lifetime movie network, because I know that I’ll have some of those in my future, it just won’t be every weekend.

As I type this, I have tears running down my face. I am so proud of myself for standing strong after the hell I’ve been through. People say God only gives you want you can handle, well, I’m starting to believe that now.

One thing leads to another

It has been a very busy past few weeks and life isn’t looking to slow down anytime soon. I’ve been busy with work, school, and planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party.

Although I’ve had a lot of fun the past few weeks, I also had a streak of bad luck and ended up in the emergency room three times, hospital stay, and doctors office numerous times.

My last post I mentioned that I had attended a cycling class at the YMCA and ended up having an episode with my heart. Well, it ended up being more than just a heart issue that day. Yes, my heart was okay after resting and taking my nitro; however, I ended up with a muscle injury!

A few days after the class, I could hardly move! I was incredibly sore and just thought that I had pushed myself past my limits. Saturday morning came and I was in a lot of pain and had swelling in my leg. I had talked to my parents that morning and they advised me that I should probably go to the ER to get it checked out, to make sure I didn’t have a blood clot. I didn’t even think about the possibility of a blood clot and it scared me enough where I was going to put my stubbornness to rest and get it checked out. After an EKG, blood tests, and an ultra sound on my leg, the results showed that I didn’t have a blood clot (thank the lord) but I had torn my quad muscle. The doctor gave me some pain medication and told me to rest the next few days and I was out the door. The doctor had mentioned that the blood work did show that my muscle enzymes were elevated and this was most likely due to the torn quad muscle.

The next day, (Sunday) my parents came to visit. Since I couldn’t do a whole lot of walking, we decided to stay at my apartment and just hang out. I really enjoyed this! I hadn’t seen my parents in almost 2 months so it was nice to see them.

Early Monday morning, I woke up covered in sweat, pulse racing, chest pains, and I started to vomit. I wasn’t getting any better so I decided to go to the ER. I went to the Indiana Heart hospital (they were the closest hospital) and was rushed into a room right away. They started an IV, took some blood, did and EKG, and an X-ray, all within the first 30 minutes. The results came back that I was not having a heart attack and that my heart looked good, again, I was very much grateful. There was a problem though; my blood work showed my CPK (Creatine phosphokinase) enzyme levels were dangerously high. The doctor said normal levels were around 225 or less and mine were well over 18,000! The first question the doctor asked was if I was on any cholesterol medication, and I was. He ordered me to stop taking it right away. He said that I needed to get the enzymes down ASAP so they wouldn’t cause damage to my kidneys; resulting in another stay in the hospital. For the next 24 hours, I was hooked up to an IV with fluids to flush everything out. I was also on a heart monitor, just as a precaution. I’m getting used to what I’ll continue to go through if I ever ended up in the ER or hospital stay: Heart monitors, EKGS, blood work, and x-rays. I’m pretty sure this is a standard. Blood work was run on Tuesday morning, and it showed the enzymes were coming down and my heart continued to look good, so the doctor released me. The official diagnosis was called, Rhabdomyolysis.

I returned to work on Wednesday evening (4^th of July) and was starting to feel miserable again. I had really bad body aches, vomiting, and I started to have some blood in my urine. So I was off to the ER again. I was hooked up to an IV and was flushed with saline again. I had some more blood work done and an ultra sound on my abdomen and pelvis. (The doctor had pushed around on that area and I was in a lot of pain). The doctor thought I had kidney stones; however, the test came back negative for that. I was diagnosed with a UTI and also kidney infection. I was put on an antibiotic, nausea medicine, and was told to have a check-up with my doctor Thursday morning. I did ask what my CPK values were and they were continuing to drop, that was a good sign.

I continued to vomit throughout the night and felt horrible. I called my doctor and went in for an appointment. I usually see Suzy, a nurse practitioner, but she was out of the office, so I was scheduled to see another doctor. He decided to do more blood work and told me to return for another appointment on Friday. The blood tests came back that my CPK values were still dropping, but my kidney levels were still high. He prescribed me more nausea medicine. I hadn’t been able to keep any food/water down since Tuesday, so I was pretty dehydrated and that could cause more problems.

Friday morning came, and I wasn’t any better; I had actually felt worse. I must have looked pretty bad because the nurses all commented on how miserable I looked. (Gee thanks!). Suzy was back so I met with her. She was looking over all of my test results and said she was concerned that my liver enzymes were elevated.  She was stunned. My liver and kidney enzymes were elevated, what was going on? She pressed on my liver and it hurt like hell; I immediately started to cry. She then called in another doctor into the room to discuss what to do. They both decided to run more blood work. She put me on more pain medication and another antibiotic. That afternoon the results showed that all my levels were continuing to drop, all a good sign. At this point, since my levels were dropping, Suzy decided to NOT admit me to the hospital and ordered me off work through Sunday and told me to rest. She also said that if anything got worse, to go to the ER immediately.

I slept the rest of Friday and all of Saturday. I was actually able to start to keep food and water down! By Sunday, I was feeling a lot better and was even able to venture down to the mall to get out of the apartment for awhile. I was so thankful that all of the medications were kicking in and I was well on my way to recovery.

Suzy called me on Monday and she was incredibly happy that I was feeling much better. She said that I must have had a virus that was attacking my liver and kidneys.

To sum it all up, that entire week was rough! Not only did I have a reaction to my cholesterol medication, which caused the muscle and chest pains, but I also had a viral infection. It was one thing after another.

Through all of the horror I went through that week, I learned a valuable lesson: Do NOT push myself over the limits. If I hadn’t of been so stubborn in cycling class and wanting to keep up with others, then I wouldn’t of tore my quad muscle; I wouldn’t of had the worry of a blood clot.

I’m happy to report that I have returned to exercising. I have fell in love with water aerobics and Zumba! I will not attempt a cycling class for a very long time. I’ve learned that I need to take my time and everything will fall into place. There shouldn’t be a rush to get back to 100% because I could end up causing more harm than good on trying to achieve that goal so quickly.

Bump in the road

I woke up this morning feeling very excited and energetic, as I was going to participate in my first YMCA class. I had looked over the schedule and decided to try out “Group Cycling Pump” class, which is not only a cycling class, but also focuses on muscle strengthening routines. I would be able to get both my cardiovascular and strength workouts done in one workout. I put on my workout clothes, laced up my shoes, grabbed my nitro, and was out the door.

This was my very first cycling class so I really wasn’t sure what to expect. My instructor, Jamie, explained to me how to set up the bike and what we would be doing throughout the hour long session. It was a pretty full class, consisting of mostly young female adults and one male adult. As I was looking around, I had a feeling I was going to be in trouble because everyone was really athletic looking, and then there was me, who had never done this class before and hadn’t exercised in awhile. However, I convinced myself that I would be just fine and would rock this class.

The class started and it was intense right off the start; within just a few minutes, I was already starting to feel the burn. I could feel my heart start to race and knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had previously thought. Again, I’m a very stubborn person and kept telling myself to keep on pushing through it.

After about 15 minutes, it was time to get off of the bike and do some strength training. I grabbed some weights and started doing some squats. At this point, I was already starting to feel weak. I was looking around the room and everyone else looked great and was going strong. With this being said, how could I be so tired so quickly? I didn’t want to look like a wimp, so I convinced myself to keep pushing through it. After a few more minutes, it was time to head back to the bike (the idea of the class is to keep switching from the bike to weights).

As I was walking back to the bike, I could really feel my heart pounding, pulse racing, and was getting slightly dizzy. This is the point when I knew I had to start to slow down. I walked over to my instructor and had informed her that I needed to slow down because I had a heart attack last November and wasn’t feeling the greatest. She looked at me stunned and said, “Yes, you defiantly need to slow down! You should have told me before the class started; I would have modified your routine.” I wasn’t happy about her response; I didn’t want to be treated differently just because I have a heart condition. The only reason I was telling her was because I was just going to slow my pace down.

I returned to my bike and started to work out again. After talking with the instructor, I began to feel a lot of anger; I wanted to work out just as hard as everyone else was. Well, when I get angry, I tend to work out harder and faster. I started to pedal faster and faster, and this is when everything went downhill. Suddenly I had some severe chest pain, heart was racing, and I was really starting to get dizzy. I knew that I had overdone it. I stopped, got off my bike, and grabbed my purse. I needed my nitro. I needed to get everything back under control. I was embarrassed enough, I didn’t need to cause a bigger scene by passing out. I took one pill and thankfully, it relieved the pain and I was starting to feel better. The instructor came over and asked if I was okay, I told her I was fine and that I was just embarrassed and frustrated. I packed up my stuff and headed back to my apartment.

On the drive home I had an emotional breakdown. I was mad, frustrated, and full of anxiety. I wanted to be like everyone else and be able to do the full workout. I had a dose of reality, I had a heart attack and my heart just wasn’t up to the strength yet to do such an intense workout. I was mad about this.

I decided to text Andy and let him know what was going on because I knew he would understand my frustrations.  I’m so very thankful that I decided to do that because he was able to turn my tears into a smile.  Also, Maggie (Andy’s GF) had texted me to make sure I was okay and she was also able to put a smile back on my face as well. I had also talked to my dad and he reassured me that I would be able to get back to full strength; it was just going to take some time. It’s one step at a time. I’m so very grateful that I have the support from some pretty kick-ass friends and family.

I think the big lesson that I learned today was that I need to keep reminding myself that my heart just needs some extra time to get built back up. I shouldn’t expect myself to be able to do everything everyone does; I need to do what I can do without overdoing it. Also, I’m so very glad that I had my nitro on me! It most likely saved a trip to the emergency room.

I know that there will probably be more days like this in the future, where I get a dose of reality of what happened and where I’ve been. However, I also know that I have some great people to lean on and I know that I’ll continue to push myself to get through everything. I know that with some hard work and dedication, I will kick butt in the cycling class; it’s just going to take some time and patience. The motto during cardio rehab was, “The strength it takes,” and well I’m going to live by that motto and prove to myself that I’ve got it.

Brighter Eyes

My mom told me something a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since, she said, “You are looking at the world with much brighter eyes these days and is so good to see”. Through this post, I’m going to explain what she meant by it, well through my perspective anyways.

When the doctor came in and told me that I had a heart attack, I was in complete shock. During the hospital stay and even months after, I was full of emotions: anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, and frustration. I couldn’t understand why I had the heart attack and I was pretty upset that the doctors couldn’t give me a reason to as why I had one. I’m not going to lie; it was a very long couple of months. I tried to put on my ‘brave face’ but I was scared and sad. I had actually gone into depression. I was isolating myself from everyone and just didn’t care about life anymore. It continued to get worse, especially after the second hospital stay, when I was diagnosed with the coronary artery disease.

Finally, I got to the point where I told myself that I had only two options. First, I could remain depressed and sad and continue down the miserable road. Or, I could do something about it. Well, I chose to do the second option; I was going to do something about it. That is when I decided to start blogging. I wanted to get my story out, in hopes of bringing attention to the issues regarding your heart. I wanted others to know that if I had a heart attack at the age of 24, it can happen to anyone, regardless of your age or medical history.

I never ever thought that in my wildest dreams I would ever say what I’m about to say, “The heart attack has become one of the biggest blessings in my life.”  WHAT? Yes, it’s true. I say this because there have been so many positive things that have came out of this. There are many reasons and I will explain each of them; however, the biggest one is I found that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was. Years ago, I had another traumatic event in my life and I got through it. I had my heart attack, I got through it. Hell, I have a lot of strength and courage if I can get through all of that! There is nothing that can stop me; I was born a fighter (premature baby) and I will always be a fighter.

I decided that I was going to start watching what I was eating and I was going to start exercising more. I knew that by doing these things, it would help lower the risk of another heart attack. I’m very proud to say that I haven’t added salt to any of my foods since the heart attack! That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me because I used to add salt to everything. I also have cut out junk foods. Okay, yes, I splurge every once in awhile, but there has been a significant change from what I used to eat. I have also started exercising. I recently joined the YMCA and have signed up with a wellness coach. She is awesome and kicks my butt. I’m also taking some of the classes that they have to offer. I’m pretty excited to start taking cardio hip-hop, zumba, and strength training. Just by watching what I eat, I’m proud to say that I have lost 25 plus pounds since my heart attack! And let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding then going to try on a bridesmaids dress and realizing that I’ve went down 3 sizes! I’m also starting to fit into a bunch of my old clothes and that’s exciting as well.

Another thing I realized that is you only live once and you have to live life to the fullest. I’ve started trying and doing more things. For example, I actually tried sushi for the first time a few weeks ago. I never would have done that before! It was actually pretty good and something that I would try again. I’ve also started a “bucket list”.  Some of the things that I want to do is go sky diving, swim with the dolphins, go to Australia, and run in a mini marathon.

I think that the most rewarding part of this journey is that I’m helping others and that feels so good. I never ever thought that just by telling my story, I could make a positive impact on the lives of others. I have the privilege of working with the American Heart Association and I’m beyond excited and thrilled to take part in such an awesome organization.

Through this journey, I’m finding myself to be a much happier and stronger person and just loving life in general. My mom was right; I certainly am looking at the world with “brighter eyes”.

One small bottle is one big reminder

I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve wanted to discuss next in my blog and I keep coming back to one topic,” One small bottle is one big reminder.”  This isn’t easy for to me to discuss, but I’m starting to realize that if I talk about things, I’m becoming a stronger person and able to put the fear behind me.

I’m not going to lie, I wake up with fear everyday that I’m going to have another heart attack, and maybe I won’t be as lucky as I was the last time. That is by far my biggest fear and to be honest, that fear controlled my life from the moment I had my heart attack. When I was released from the hospital, I told myself that everything was going to be fine; I would put a smile on my face and not look back. Yes, I’m a stubborn girl, and I wasn’t about to let others see that I was really scared. After my heart attack, I went back to my parents’ house to continue to recover. I can remember I kept telling them that I would be fine to stay in Indy, but deep down I knew that I needed to be with my family. I have an incredible, loving, and supporting family, and there is nothing more comforting then being around them.  I was exhausted when I was released, so I spent the first few days catching up on sleep. During this time, I was also with my family pretty much the entire time. Well the new work week came and my parents had to return to work and I was by myself; this is when the battle of courageous Kristy vs. heart attack fear started.  

There were several times during that week that I completely broke down and was frozen with fear. I had called my parents several times a day, just crying and kept telling them I was afraid. The heart attack fear was winning the battle.  God bless my parents for being my rock during this whole process, they were there calming me down and telling me I was going to be okay.  I know you’re reading this mom and please show dad, I cannot say thank-you enough. Also, my sisters were beyond supportive as well. I tell you what, I have the best damn family in the world.  

After my recovery, it was time for me to head back to Indianapolis and get back to work. The family all came back with me that day and it wasn’t easy when they left.  But me being stubborn, I put on a smile and gave them a hug and they were on their way back to Ohio. The minute I shut that door, realized I was by myself, I instantly broke down. How could I be okay by myself? There wasn’t the comfort of my parents being in the next room, they were now 2 hours away. I can remember telling myself, “Kristy, you’re going to be just fine and stop the crying.” Be courageous.

I started back with work and kept myself busy over the next several months with cardio rehab. I thought everything was okay, until I noticed my anxiety had increased significantly and I started to have nightmares. I finally convinced myself that the fear of the heart attack was actually starting to control my life. How did I let it get this far? Oh yes, it’s my stubbornness again. I realized that I needed someone to talk to, not my parents, not my sisters, not my friends, I needed to see a psychologist. That decision was probably the best decision I could have made. I’ve been seeing a fantastic psychologist for about a month now, and she is simply wonderful. She’s helping me with my fear of having another attack. The appointments are not easy and they are exhausting, but I’ve really started to see a change in myself. Before I started see her, I was full of anxiety, fear, sadness, and all around just not ‘myself’. Now, I feel like I’m becoming myself again; I’m much happier, anxiety has decreased, sadness has disappeared, and I’m learning to take control of the fear. The fear will not control me.

In my last post, I’ve wrote about having to carry around ‘nitro’ and how, Andy, and I were able to joke about it. I’m sure most of you know that after you have a heart attack, your expected to carry nitro with you at all times. At first, I carried it with me; however, that changed.  The nitro tablets are very small and they come in a very small bottle, which is then placed into a bigger bottle. I would carry it in my purse and then I took it out one day and didn’t put it back in. This is where the fear part comes in, again. After talking with my doctor, I had realized that the reason I didn’t carry the nitro with me was because it was a reminder to me that I did have a heart attack. It may sound dumb but if I didn’t have it with me, I couldn’t see it, so I wouldn’t think about my heart attack. It’s that plain and simple. So you may be wondering why I actually carried it with me when I attended my friends wedding a few weeks ago. Well, I did carry it because I knew that Andy had to carry it as well. That gave me courage. If he had to carry it then I would as well. That weekend was miraculous to me. With all the joking that we did with regards to the nitro, it actually gave me the courage to face the fear of the little bottle and carry it with me now. So what I have to carry it with me? Who cares? I’ve realized that if something would happen again and I didn’t have that little bottle, there could be more problems. Also, you’re only cool if you have to carry nitro. Okay, only Andy would understand that, as we are the HBK’s. (Heart break kids). In all joking aside, I’m learning that it’s okay to have fear, but only if I control the fear.