Bump in the road

I woke up this morning feeling very excited and energetic, as I was going to participate in my first YMCA class. I had looked over the schedule and decided to try out “Group Cycling Pump” class, which is not only a cycling class, but also focuses on muscle strengthening routines. I would be able to get both my cardiovascular and strength workouts done in one workout. I put on my workout clothes, laced up my shoes, grabbed my nitro, and was out the door.

This was my very first cycling class so I really wasn’t sure what to expect. My instructor, Jamie, explained to me how to set up the bike and what we would be doing throughout the hour long session. It was a pretty full class, consisting of mostly young female adults and one male adult. As I was looking around, I had a feeling I was going to be in trouble because everyone was really athletic looking, and then there was me, who had never done this class before and hadn’t exercised in awhile. However, I convinced myself that I would be just fine and would rock this class.

The class started and it was intense right off the start; within just a few minutes, I was already starting to feel the burn. I could feel my heart start to race and knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had previously thought. Again, I’m a very stubborn person and kept telling myself to keep on pushing through it.

After about 15 minutes, it was time to get off of the bike and do some strength training. I grabbed some weights and started doing some squats. At this point, I was already starting to feel weak. I was looking around the room and everyone else looked great and was going strong. With this being said, how could I be so tired so quickly? I didn’t want to look like a wimp, so I convinced myself to keep pushing through it. After a few more minutes, it was time to head back to the bike (the idea of the class is to keep switching from the bike to weights).

As I was walking back to the bike, I could really feel my heart pounding, pulse racing, and was getting slightly dizzy. This is the point when I knew I had to start to slow down. I walked over to my instructor and had informed her that I needed to slow down because I had a heart attack last November and wasn’t feeling the greatest. She looked at me stunned and said, “Yes, you defiantly need to slow down! You should have told me before the class started; I would have modified your routine.” I wasn’t happy about her response; I didn’t want to be treated differently just because I have a heart condition. The only reason I was telling her was because I was just going to slow my pace down.

I returned to my bike and started to work out again. After talking with the instructor, I began to feel a lot of anger; I wanted to work out just as hard as everyone else was. Well, when I get angry, I tend to work out harder and faster. I started to pedal faster and faster, and this is when everything went downhill. Suddenly I had some severe chest pain, heart was racing, and I was really starting to get dizzy. I knew that I had overdone it. I stopped, got off my bike, and grabbed my purse. I needed my nitro. I needed to get everything back under control. I was embarrassed enough, I didn’t need to cause a bigger scene by passing out. I took one pill and thankfully, it relieved the pain and I was starting to feel better. The instructor came over and asked if I was okay, I told her I was fine and that I was just embarrassed and frustrated. I packed up my stuff and headed back to my apartment.

On the drive home I had an emotional breakdown. I was mad, frustrated, and full of anxiety. I wanted to be like everyone else and be able to do the full workout. I had a dose of reality, I had a heart attack and my heart just wasn’t up to the strength yet to do such an intense workout. I was mad about this.

I decided to text Andy and let him know what was going on because I knew he would understand my frustrations.  I’m so very thankful that I decided to do that because he was able to turn my tears into a smile.  Also, Maggie (Andy’s GF) had texted me to make sure I was okay and she was also able to put a smile back on my face as well. I had also talked to my dad and he reassured me that I would be able to get back to full strength; it was just going to take some time. It’s one step at a time. I’m so very grateful that I have the support from some pretty kick-ass friends and family.

I think the big lesson that I learned today was that I need to keep reminding myself that my heart just needs some extra time to get built back up. I shouldn’t expect myself to be able to do everything everyone does; I need to do what I can do without overdoing it. Also, I’m so very glad that I had my nitro on me! It most likely saved a trip to the emergency room.

I know that there will probably be more days like this in the future, where I get a dose of reality of what happened and where I’ve been. However, I also know that I have some great people to lean on and I know that I’ll continue to push myself to get through everything. I know that with some hard work and dedication, I will kick butt in the cycling class; it’s just going to take some time and patience. The motto during cardio rehab was, “The strength it takes,” and well I’m going to live by that motto and prove to myself that I’ve got it.

Brighter Eyes

My mom told me something a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since, she said, “You are looking at the world with much brighter eyes these days and is so good to see”. Through this post, I’m going to explain what she meant by it, well through my perspective anyways.

When the doctor came in and told me that I had a heart attack, I was in complete shock. During the hospital stay and even months after, I was full of emotions: anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, and frustration. I couldn’t understand why I had the heart attack and I was pretty upset that the doctors couldn’t give me a reason to as why I had one. I’m not going to lie; it was a very long couple of months. I tried to put on my ‘brave face’ but I was scared and sad. I had actually gone into depression. I was isolating myself from everyone and just didn’t care about life anymore. It continued to get worse, especially after the second hospital stay, when I was diagnosed with the coronary artery disease.

Finally, I got to the point where I told myself that I had only two options. First, I could remain depressed and sad and continue down the miserable road. Or, I could do something about it. Well, I chose to do the second option; I was going to do something about it. That is when I decided to start blogging. I wanted to get my story out, in hopes of bringing attention to the issues regarding your heart. I wanted others to know that if I had a heart attack at the age of 24, it can happen to anyone, regardless of your age or medical history.

I never ever thought that in my wildest dreams I would ever say what I’m about to say, “The heart attack has become one of the biggest blessings in my life.”  WHAT? Yes, it’s true. I say this because there have been so many positive things that have came out of this. There are many reasons and I will explain each of them; however, the biggest one is I found that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was. Years ago, I had another traumatic event in my life and I got through it. I had my heart attack, I got through it. Hell, I have a lot of strength and courage if I can get through all of that! There is nothing that can stop me; I was born a fighter (premature baby) and I will always be a fighter.

I decided that I was going to start watching what I was eating and I was going to start exercising more. I knew that by doing these things, it would help lower the risk of another heart attack. I’m very proud to say that I haven’t added salt to any of my foods since the heart attack! That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me because I used to add salt to everything. I also have cut out junk foods. Okay, yes, I splurge every once in awhile, but there has been a significant change from what I used to eat. I have also started exercising. I recently joined the YMCA and have signed up with a wellness coach. She is awesome and kicks my butt. I’m also taking some of the classes that they have to offer. I’m pretty excited to start taking cardio hip-hop, zumba, and strength training. Just by watching what I eat, I’m proud to say that I have lost 25 plus pounds since my heart attack! And let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding then going to try on a bridesmaids dress and realizing that I’ve went down 3 sizes! I’m also starting to fit into a bunch of my old clothes and that’s exciting as well.

Another thing I realized that is you only live once and you have to live life to the fullest. I’ve started trying and doing more things. For example, I actually tried sushi for the first time a few weeks ago. I never would have done that before! It was actually pretty good and something that I would try again. I’ve also started a “bucket list”.  Some of the things that I want to do is go sky diving, swim with the dolphins, go to Australia, and run in a mini marathon.

I think that the most rewarding part of this journey is that I’m helping others and that feels so good. I never ever thought that just by telling my story, I could make a positive impact on the lives of others. I have the privilege of working with the American Heart Association and I’m beyond excited and thrilled to take part in such an awesome organization.

Through this journey, I’m finding myself to be a much happier and stronger person and just loving life in general. My mom was right; I certainly am looking at the world with “brighter eyes”.

One small bottle is one big reminder

I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve wanted to discuss next in my blog and I keep coming back to one topic,” One small bottle is one big reminder.”  This isn’t easy for to me to discuss, but I’m starting to realize that if I talk about things, I’m becoming a stronger person and able to put the fear behind me.

I’m not going to lie, I wake up with fear everyday that I’m going to have another heart attack, and maybe I won’t be as lucky as I was the last time. That is by far my biggest fear and to be honest, that fear controlled my life from the moment I had my heart attack. When I was released from the hospital, I told myself that everything was going to be fine; I would put a smile on my face and not look back. Yes, I’m a stubborn girl, and I wasn’t about to let others see that I was really scared. After my heart attack, I went back to my parents’ house to continue to recover. I can remember I kept telling them that I would be fine to stay in Indy, but deep down I knew that I needed to be with my family. I have an incredible, loving, and supporting family, and there is nothing more comforting then being around them.  I was exhausted when I was released, so I spent the first few days catching up on sleep. During this time, I was also with my family pretty much the entire time. Well the new work week came and my parents had to return to work and I was by myself; this is when the battle of courageous Kristy vs. heart attack fear started.  

There were several times during that week that I completely broke down and was frozen with fear. I had called my parents several times a day, just crying and kept telling them I was afraid. The heart attack fear was winning the battle.  God bless my parents for being my rock during this whole process, they were there calming me down and telling me I was going to be okay.  I know you’re reading this mom and please show dad, I cannot say thank-you enough. Also, my sisters were beyond supportive as well. I tell you what, I have the best damn family in the world.  

After my recovery, it was time for me to head back to Indianapolis and get back to work. The family all came back with me that day and it wasn’t easy when they left.  But me being stubborn, I put on a smile and gave them a hug and they were on their way back to Ohio. The minute I shut that door, realized I was by myself, I instantly broke down. How could I be okay by myself? There wasn’t the comfort of my parents being in the next room, they were now 2 hours away. I can remember telling myself, “Kristy, you’re going to be just fine and stop the crying.” Be courageous.

I started back with work and kept myself busy over the next several months with cardio rehab. I thought everything was okay, until I noticed my anxiety had increased significantly and I started to have nightmares. I finally convinced myself that the fear of the heart attack was actually starting to control my life. How did I let it get this far? Oh yes, it’s my stubbornness again. I realized that I needed someone to talk to, not my parents, not my sisters, not my friends, I needed to see a psychologist. That decision was probably the best decision I could have made. I’ve been seeing a fantastic psychologist for about a month now, and she is simply wonderful. She’s helping me with my fear of having another attack. The appointments are not easy and they are exhausting, but I’ve really started to see a change in myself. Before I started see her, I was full of anxiety, fear, sadness, and all around just not ‘myself’. Now, I feel like I’m becoming myself again; I’m much happier, anxiety has decreased, sadness has disappeared, and I’m learning to take control of the fear. The fear will not control me.

In my last post, I’ve wrote about having to carry around ‘nitro’ and how, Andy, and I were able to joke about it. I’m sure most of you know that after you have a heart attack, your expected to carry nitro with you at all times. At first, I carried it with me; however, that changed.  The nitro tablets are very small and they come in a very small bottle, which is then placed into a bigger bottle. I would carry it in my purse and then I took it out one day and didn’t put it back in. This is where the fear part comes in, again. After talking with my doctor, I had realized that the reason I didn’t carry the nitro with me was because it was a reminder to me that I did have a heart attack. It may sound dumb but if I didn’t have it with me, I couldn’t see it, so I wouldn’t think about my heart attack. It’s that plain and simple. So you may be wondering why I actually carried it with me when I attended my friends wedding a few weeks ago. Well, I did carry it because I knew that Andy had to carry it as well. That gave me courage. If he had to carry it then I would as well. That weekend was miraculous to me. With all the joking that we did with regards to the nitro, it actually gave me the courage to face the fear of the little bottle and carry it with me now. So what I have to carry it with me? Who cares? I’ve realized that if something would happen again and I didn’t have that little bottle, there could be more problems. Also, you’re only cool if you have to carry nitro. Okay, only Andy would understand that, as we are the HBK’s. (Heart break kids). In all joking aside, I’m learning that it’s okay to have fear, but only if I control the fear.

"Need to laugh moment"

A heart attack is a very serious issue and something not to joke about; however, there comes a time where you need to be able to relax and just talk about it without fear. I had this moment last weekend, and to be honest, it felt so good to just talk about it and actually have a few laughs from it. It was my “need to laugh” moment and it was great and I’ll share that experience with you all.

I mentioned before that one of my good friends, Andy, had a heart attack about a month ago. He went through the same thing that I went through; however, he actually had a stent put in. He’s doing great and will continue to recover just fine. Last weekend, I went back to St. Marys for the weekend and went to a friend’s wedding. The wedding and reception was in Columbus, OH, so I tagged along with Andy, his girlfriend Maggie, Kylie, and Paul. During the car ride to Columbus, Andy and I talked about our experiences with the heart attack. We were kind of “comparing” our stories. I know I’ve said this before and I want to say it again, I sincerely appreciate EVERYONE for their concern, thoughts, and prayers during my heart attack. I LOVE that everyone is so caring; it means the world to me. But having another person, who went through the same thing that I did, is selfishly, totally awesome (I certainly wish it wasn’t due to a heart attack and wouldn’t wish it on anyone). I say this because Andy knows exactly the feelings that I’m going and have went through. It’s incredibly nice to have someone to talk to about this, knowing that he went through it as well.

As we continued to Columbus, we started to talk about medications, and this is when the laughter started. We were comparing medications and that we each now had “pill packs” to keep our all of our medications organized. We talked about how we had to carry nitro with us 24/7…now, this is where it really got funny. But I tell you what, it felt so good to laugh. Everyone started joking about who would get out the nitro if someone needed it. It may not seem as funny to everyone reading this, but it was so funny.

Also, Andy and I kept referring to us as the “HBK’s” – heart break kids and that got a lot of people to laugh as well. Prior to going to the reception, Maggie, (bless her heart for putting up with Andy! Jk!) made sure that we took our medications before the night started. Again, we got a good laugh about that as well, as we had a ‘pill party’ before the reception.

I never thought I would be able to joke with others about what happened, but I’m so glad that I had that opportunity to do that with some awesome friends. Through all the tears, fear, and emotional stress, I was actually able to put a smile to my face, with regards to the heart attack, and I’ll always be thankful for that.  Actually, it was almost a sense of ‘normalcy’ being around Andy, because he was doing exactly what I was doing and having the same emotions that I had. With that being said, Andy, I thank you very much making me smile and able to put some laughter into all of this.

I know as I continue through this journey, I’m probably going to have some more struggles and fear; however, I know that it will pass, and a smile will return to my face. I know this because it’s happened before, but with support from my family and friends, I’ll push through it all again. *Strength it takes*

Heart Attack Survivors!

Not again..

Wow! It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged and there’s a lot of information that I want to share. So where shall I begin? I think I’ll share my second heart episode that I had this past April. Once again, I was at work and was experiencing some severe chest pain. I didn’t know what to think.  To be honest, ever since my heart attack last November, I’ve had an increased issue with anxiety, due to the fear of having another heart attack.  I was having some difficulty trying to determine if I was just having an anxiety attack or was it another heart attack.  The chest pains started around 8:00 am and continued for the next hour. I was heading to a staff meeting and was hoping that the pain would ease up. It did not. I went back to my desk and grabbed my nitro and went back to the meeting. I took 3-4 nitro pills and the pain was actually getting worse.  One of my coworkers, who was sitting beside me, knew that something wasn’t right and I told her to call 911. She got up and left the meeting and I walked out as well. The medics arrived and gave me some more nitro, oxygen, and did an EKG, all while I was sitting in the EOC (Emergency Operations Center). They told me that my EKG looked okay but I would be going to the hospital.  By this time, my anxiety was uncontrollable, because I couldn’t believe I was going through this a second time. The medics tried to calm me down, but I was pretty freaked out.  They took me out to the ambulance, where we sat there for what seemed like forever. They were trying to get an IV started, but I have tiny veins, and after several attempts, they decided it would be better to get me to the hospital then to keep trying. The entire way there, I was giving them all my medical history, etc. It turns out that 2 of the 4 paramedics that came, were actually with me during the last heart episode. I explained to them that I did actually have a heart attack and they were in disbelief.

After I arrived at the hospital, I was surrounded by numerous doctors and nurses. It was all too familiar for me, and I was really starting to freak out even more. I had a heart monitor on and an IV started with just a few seconds after arriving. They had told me that my cardiologist was going to be notified that I was in the ER and he would be down shortly. I was in a lot of pain, so I was finally able to get some pain medication. The head doctor came in and said that my EKG looked good so they were unsure of what was going on. A few minutes later, a nurse came in and said that I was going to have another  catheterization  done. I questioned her on why they were going to do that, since my EKG looked okay, she said that since I had a heart attack, they always follow this procedure. I had asked her if I was going to be admitted and she said that I would be for sure. At that point, I knew that I had needed to call my parents and let them know what was going on. Just like last time, my mom wasn’t in St. Marys and it would be a while before they would arrive. I assured them that I was going to be okay, I was just scared. They said they would be on the road ASAP.

My cardiologist met me in the cath lab and started the procedure. The last time I had this done, I fell asleep.  This was certainly not the case this time, I was wide awake. When they started the cath (which was done through my wrist) I could feel it and screamed in pain. The doctor ordered some more morphine and some relaxing medications.  The meds helped and I was able to calm down and they were able to continue with the procedure. The doctor said that everything had looked good and was actually healing nicely.

I don’t remember much after the cath was done, due to all the medication. I know that my parents arrived and we were waiting for a room to open up. I spent the next few days in the hospital, on the heart floor, being monitored and trying to figure out what was going on. The entire hospital stay is pretty much a blur to me because I was on so much pain medication. I was also on anxiety medications. I was having a really hard time understanding what was going on because I was having pain but it wasn’t my heart. The doctor ordered several more tests.  I was finally dismissed from the hospital Thursday night. I ended up being diagnosed with inflammation in my chest wall cavity, inflammation on my stomach lining, and a hiatal hernia in my esophagus. All of those combined together created the severe chest pains. I was given more medication and that eventually solved the problem.  Several weeks later, I was also diagnosed with coronary artery disease.

It’s now June 8, and it’s been 7 months since my heart attack. I still struggle on what I’ve been through and I think I always will. However, one thing that I have learned through all of this is that you cannot take life for granted. I’ve also learned that I cannot live each day with the fear of having another heart attack, because that’s only going to cause more anxiety and panic. I need to relax and enjoy life and what it has to offer me. I’ve also found a lot of strength in myself that I never knew I had. I survived a heart attack, I can survive whatever else life will throw at me.  

Lesson to be learned: Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.