One small bottle is one big reminder

I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve wanted to discuss next in my blog and I keep coming back to one topic,” One small bottle is one big reminder.”  This isn’t easy for to me to discuss, but I’m starting to realize that if I talk about things, I’m becoming a stronger person and able to put the fear behind me.

I’m not going to lie, I wake up with fear everyday that I’m going to have another heart attack, and maybe I won’t be as lucky as I was the last time. That is by far my biggest fear and to be honest, that fear controlled my life from the moment I had my heart attack. When I was released from the hospital, I told myself that everything was going to be fine; I would put a smile on my face and not look back. Yes, I’m a stubborn girl, and I wasn’t about to let others see that I was really scared. After my heart attack, I went back to my parents’ house to continue to recover. I can remember I kept telling them that I would be fine to stay in Indy, but deep down I knew that I needed to be with my family. I have an incredible, loving, and supporting family, and there is nothing more comforting then being around them.  I was exhausted when I was released, so I spent the first few days catching up on sleep. During this time, I was also with my family pretty much the entire time. Well the new work week came and my parents had to return to work and I was by myself; this is when the battle of courageous Kristy vs. heart attack fear started.  

There were several times during that week that I completely broke down and was frozen with fear. I had called my parents several times a day, just crying and kept telling them I was afraid. The heart attack fear was winning the battle.  God bless my parents for being my rock during this whole process, they were there calming me down and telling me I was going to be okay.  I know you’re reading this mom and please show dad, I cannot say thank-you enough. Also, my sisters were beyond supportive as well. I tell you what, I have the best damn family in the world.  

After my recovery, it was time for me to head back to Indianapolis and get back to work. The family all came back with me that day and it wasn’t easy when they left.  But me being stubborn, I put on a smile and gave them a hug and they were on their way back to Ohio. The minute I shut that door, realized I was by myself, I instantly broke down. How could I be okay by myself? There wasn’t the comfort of my parents being in the next room, they were now 2 hours away. I can remember telling myself, “Kristy, you’re going to be just fine and stop the crying.” Be courageous.

I started back with work and kept myself busy over the next several months with cardio rehab. I thought everything was okay, until I noticed my anxiety had increased significantly and I started to have nightmares. I finally convinced myself that the fear of the heart attack was actually starting to control my life. How did I let it get this far? Oh yes, it’s my stubbornness again. I realized that I needed someone to talk to, not my parents, not my sisters, not my friends, I needed to see a psychologist. That decision was probably the best decision I could have made. I’ve been seeing a fantastic psychologist for about a month now, and she is simply wonderful. She’s helping me with my fear of having another attack. The appointments are not easy and they are exhausting, but I’ve really started to see a change in myself. Before I started see her, I was full of anxiety, fear, sadness, and all around just not ‘myself’. Now, I feel like I’m becoming myself again; I’m much happier, anxiety has decreased, sadness has disappeared, and I’m learning to take control of the fear. The fear will not control me.

In my last post, I’ve wrote about having to carry around ‘nitro’ and how, Andy, and I were able to joke about it. I’m sure most of you know that after you have a heart attack, your expected to carry nitro with you at all times. At first, I carried it with me; however, that changed.  The nitro tablets are very small and they come in a very small bottle, which is then placed into a bigger bottle. I would carry it in my purse and then I took it out one day and didn’t put it back in. This is where the fear part comes in, again. After talking with my doctor, I had realized that the reason I didn’t carry the nitro with me was because it was a reminder to me that I did have a heart attack. It may sound dumb but if I didn’t have it with me, I couldn’t see it, so I wouldn’t think about my heart attack. It’s that plain and simple. So you may be wondering why I actually carried it with me when I attended my friends wedding a few weeks ago. Well, I did carry it because I knew that Andy had to carry it as well. That gave me courage. If he had to carry it then I would as well. That weekend was miraculous to me. With all the joking that we did with regards to the nitro, it actually gave me the courage to face the fear of the little bottle and carry it with me now. So what I have to carry it with me? Who cares? I’ve realized that if something would happen again and I didn’t have that little bottle, there could be more problems. Also, you’re only cool if you have to carry nitro. Okay, only Andy would understand that, as we are the HBK’s. (Heart break kids). In all joking aside, I’m learning that it’s okay to have fear, but only if I control the fear.